Why Not Me?

The “Me too” Movement pisses me off. I get that all the women who were raped or threatened with dismissal or demotion have a legitimate beef. I get that men have all the power, earn more money for the same jobs and run the world. I understand and have been a victim of all the gender stereotypes that define us and have conditioned us to define ourselves as less than. I believe that Hilary Clinton was despised because she defied stereotypical definition and was strong without being sexy.

Which brings me to Why Not Me?

Fifty or sixty years ago, when no one questioned the rules of the boy/girl game, being hit on was an honor, a compliment, validation of your value as a woman. Being chosen, desired was all that mattered at that time.

So for those of us who weren’t blonde enough, skinny enough or sexy enough to be chosen, who weren’t cheerleaders or majorettes with nicknames like Candy or Bubbles, we suffered. I was told I was too smart and too serious to be chosen and there was no movement for me. I was jealous of the pretty, skinny, long- legged popular shiksas. The nice Jewish boys weren’t interested in me and I lived in terror of being an old maid, threatening to jump off the George Washington Bridge if I wasn’t married by 25. I spent much of my youth waiting for “Him” to call. My dating years were pre cel phone and missing the call might leave me alone on Saturday night or God forbid,New Years Eve.

I never had to fight anyone off; always felt flattered if some decent dude wanted to fuck me. It never occurred to me to flirt or use my feminine wiles to get or keep a job. My “wiles” were words, intellect or ideas, chosen only by nerds, incels, or guys who made it clear they were doing me a favor.
We were always in a double bind and so were they. They had to “score” to prove their worth, we had to be hard to get to prove ours. The “trophy” girls held out for marriage, the rest of us were often too easy, grateful to be wanted.

Money and Power changed the rules of the game. They no longer had to prove their worth by scoring. Their money and Power entitled them to take what they wanted and what they wanted was revenge on all, the “Barbies” who had rejected them.

In writing this, I realized that the “Barbies” I had envied also felt powerless. They put themselves in harms way believing that if they got close to the powerful, power would trickle down and rub off on them. They got rubbed instead and what trickled down wasn’t power! The Harvey Weinsteins abused their power and got their revenge and they have been toppled off their pedestals and publicly vilified and punished. But they are victims too, of a system that measures worth by ephemeral, extrinsic metrics...appearances, money property, prestige—a system that equates self worth and net worth. It is a system that edifies people and then demonizes them; that categorizes us as victims or villains, that is mired in shame and blame.

It is time to examine the “junk” values that have polarized, categorized and cancelled us. Let’s accept the facts that we are all imperfectly human and humanly imperfect. All of us have been wounded and have wounded others and as Father Greg Boyle teaches,”hurt people hurt people”. And we all have gifts too. Our challenge is to discover our core gifts in our core wounds.