Canine Co-Dependency
I understand herd immunity; it’s the 99th monkey theory. At a certain number of vaccinated people everyone will develop immunity.
Herd hoarding, stimulated by scarcity and fear has been more interesting to witness: toilet paper, thermometers, oximeters, masks, sanitizer and wipes, bikes, desks, all the items we were hold would keep us off the ventilator.
I have enough of all of these to last through this pandemic and the ones to come. I also followed the herd to Fur Haven to rescue a pandemic pup like millions of folks who never considered dog ownership. Whatever possessed us to empty every shelter?
I am suffering from a severe case of canine co-dependency. The idea of pooch and the day to day reality do not connect. I was hooked by the fantasy of unconditional love, someone excited to see me all the time and slather me with joy and gratitude. She would keep me company in quarantine and I would feel less lonely when Mark left to play golf. She would fill the large hole left by my daughter who informed me recently that our relationship had expired and the message from some Beit T’shuvah Board members that it would do just fine without me.
The reality is that despite everything I know and preach about enmeshment, enabling and codependent relationships it seems to apply only to humans, not to dogs.I can’t say no when she stares at me dolefully and begs for treats.Her moods and needs dominate mine. I failed training, refusing to be the Alpha rewarding her whenever she asked, a class A felony of good parenting.
I am learning to interpret her grunts, growls and barks, attuned to her pissing and pooping signs. We have a routine: at dawn I throw on a sweatshirt and leggings, fill my pockets with treats and shit bags and chase her into the harness.She thinks it’s a game, hiding in new places to confuse me.To me it’s dead serious.I hold my breath while she sniffs and circles, deciding on her spot.Will she or won’t she? Which will it be?
When she finally squats and I see it and smell it,I am elated. It feels like my accomplishment, the pinnacle of my day.I am grateful to pick up my prize.
When we get back she runs to her bowls and I enjoy the sound of her lapping the ice water.When she looks down at the empty food bowl,I rush to fill it assuring her I haven’t forgotten.
When she is full she climbs the steps to the couch presenting her ass to be scratched, turning on her side for me to rub her belly until she falls asleep.I am happy that she is happy...you are only as happy as your happiest dog! Now I am trapped. If i move she startles, suspicious, hyper vigilant. Serious abandonment issues no doubt. I love listening to her snore.
What is this senate, primal, non verbal connection we have? Connection doesn’t come easily to me and my strongest connections have always been verbal, shared ideas and beliefs with other subversive souls .I talk out loud to her, explaining where I am going and when I will be back, trying to sneak out while she is asleep, feeling anxious throughout the meal or the manicure or the grocery trip.
When we boarded her overnight for the first time I was a wreck, couldn’t look at her as I packed her food and allergy meds. The calm kids at Village Pup assured me I was projecting my fears onto her (like I didn’t know) they told me dogs need to be dogs to socialize with their own kind. Would she socialize? Was she a loner and introvert like me? They said we could watch her on the puppy cam if we were concerned.
After we left her I felt a weird mix of guilt and exhilaration. Free at last for a few days.
We did sneak a peek at the puppy cam and she was all by herself. I didn’t let it ruin my evening.