Not the Only One

I was sure I was the only one on the planet, alone, ashamed, incredulous ,when I received this email from my only child…. “Some relationships have an expiration date and ours has expired….don’t attempt to contact me, this is permanent,I should have done it years ago.”
For several years prior to her announcement she had strictly defined our Rules of Engagement…. “We are not really family, but we are not nothing.” That meant birthday and holiday cards, Mothers Day delivery of Edibles, grandchildren graduation invitations and “egg shell” telephone conversations.
The final nail was my husband and I expressing hurt at being loudly excluded from their Christmas photograph. This to her was evidence that we didn’t understand the Rules of Engagement, hurt was her exclusive prerogative!
I had to reread her email several times. Our relationship has expired? How do you expire a biological connection? How do you violate the 5th commandment to Honor your father and mother (even when you don’t like them)?
For much of my childhood and young adulthood, unable to please my mother, my greatest pleasure was displeasing her… “if she only knew”….But it never occurred to me to permanently sever our connection and we eventually reconciled when she was 100.
Her last words to me when I showed up after hospice called were “what are you doing here,I told you not to come.” I stayed and held her hand while she lay dying.
For years I have worked with troubled families, treated addicts who had been abused and traumatized by their parents, punishing their parents by harming themselves, but never had I witnessed permanent estrangement.
It’s almost 2 years since Delia cut me off from her family, including the grandchildren. I dread social situations and the well meaning “how’s your daughter, the kids”? I told a few close friends when it happened but “fine thank you” is my escape line. Once again, I’m on the outside looking in, my membership in the parent/grandparent club has expired. My biggest secret is I feel relief alongside the pain and sadness. I was always on “probation” never measuring up to her expectations.
So imagine my surprise and joy when I found mention of Dr. Joshua Coleman in an article by David Brooks. Dr. Coleman latest book is Rules of Estrangement, why adult children cut ties and how to heal the conflict (or learn to accept it) I looked him up immediately, listened to him on YouTube and made an appointment. He’s so busy, it’s not until October. Lo and Behold, I am part of a growing movement, the club of Estranged parents. It’s a movement fueled by therapists and sociocultural shifts that have elevated personal fulfillment over family obligation. If I have to lose you to find me, so be it.
Dr. Coleman grants us absolution. Your adult children cutting ties with you is not evidence of bad parenting or a reason to feel ashamed or embarrassed. We can come out of the closet, admit our powerlessness over our children’s choices and form our own club. Sunday night is my first meet up.